amadeupname: (noriko)
( Sep. 17th, 2006 01:34 am)
Most of you who know me in real life, and quite a few who've only interacted with me online, have probably noticed that I'm a tad ... well, I guess you could call it paranoid. The term is bandied about so much that it seems to lose a lot of its meaning, but I suppose mild paranoia probably applies here.

I am very obviously afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of the dark (and on a related note, zombies). I'm afraid of being alone in large, empty buildings, especially at night. I'm afraid to go outside at night by myself and walk around. Every time I have to walk back to my dorm alone in the middle of the night, I keep looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one is following me.

I'm afraid to go out into the world. It's bad enough when I go to class, or to a restaurant or store that I'm familiar with. I feel like people are staring at me for being fat, or dressing like a frump or a slob, and that the slightest mistake will have people laughing at me, openly or otherwise, for being a socially inept monkey. When I go someplace new -- a coffeehouse, maybe, or the gaming shop downtown -- I'm petrified that someone will block my way and tell me that I'm too stupid to be there, that I'm not 'in' enough. I get slightly nauseous because I know I will do something stupid, and I fear that will be enough to have the whole place roaring with laughter.

I'm afraid the whole world is just playing one big joke on me after another. Deep down I'm so goddamn scared that college is an elaborate prank designed to coax me out of my shell just long enough to bring the hammer down and shatter me completely.

I'm afraid of people.

I'm so damned afraid that everyone is going to hurt me. My early experiences with people who claimed to be my friends, or people I mistakenly thought were my friends, has been that people pretend to like me because they want something from me, because they want to play pranks on me, or because they just don't know how to tell me to go away. I'd like to think that this isn't the case now -- I love my friends, every single one of them -- but somewhere I can't bring myself to believe that someone might actually like me for me. I'm convinced that I'm so downright ugly and repulsive, so obnoxious and irritating that no one could ever possibly want to spend time with me unless they thought they were getting something out of it. My own boyfriend can't convince me that I could ever be pretty, that I'm worth something, that he actually wants to spend what little time he can with me.

And it all seems so selfish to me, because all I really want when I spend time with people is for someone to pay attention to me. Just one person, that's all. When I'm with a group of two or more friends, I seem to fade into the background -- and the more people that are present, the more likely it is that this is going to happen. If I can work up the courage to say something, I'm usually either ignored outright, or I'm given the briefest acknowledgment, which seems like an attempt to get me to shut up so the adults can have their conversation. David asked me why I brought my book to Logan's house, and I just shrugged it off because I couldn't bring myself to explain yet again that I just can't handle crowds.

With only one friend, it would seem easier to get my attention fix, but that's not necessarily true. I know people zone out during conversations -- I do it myself, I'll admit -- but sometimes it seems like I'm just talking to fill up the silence. I'll prattle on to an unattentive listener, who is obviously staring out the window at some hottie across the street, or scribbling something down, or thinking of their boyfriend or girlfriend. If they were paying attention they would notice how my voice changes pitch, how my speaking becomes faster, more frantic, until I trail off, chuckle nervously, and prod at them (and whether this is to see if they're actually listening, or to see if they're even real, I'm not sure of anymore). Once or twice I've been in one of these "conversations", and the other person will suddenly start talking to the person next to them, or call out to someone else. Apparently it's too difficult for anyone to politely remove themselves from a conversation these days. I have to be made to feel like a fool instead.

I'm afraid of myself.

It's no secret that I don't like myself too much. I'm more than one hundred pounds overweight, homely, and I dress like a slob to boot. I'm lazy, whiny, and obnoxious. I have no self-esteem, and almost no sense of social boundaries. I'm needy, greedy, self-absorbed, perverse, ignorant, indecisive, stubborn, violent, and hateful. On a good day I'm able to laugh at myself and make self-deprecating jokes, and thankfully those good days come far more often than they used to. But on those bad days... I've gone batshit once or twice -- I hit Andy over a fucking slice of pizza -- and more often than I'd like, I've started crying over stuff that most other people wouldn't think twice about. I don't see why anyone would like me in the least, or want to spend their time with me, or their money on me. I can't imagine someone wanting to be with me if they didn't want sex. There's nothing about me that seems appealing in the slightest.

I don't want to be the girl sitting in the corner because she can't approach a stranger. I don't want to be the crazy old cat lady. I don't want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hoping that if I bring hubby his beer and don't interrupt his football game, he'll let me go out with my friends instead of giving me another set of bruises. And I especially don't want to be the one person in a group of friends that everyone simultaneously despises, but either no one is able to tell them to go the fuck away, or that person doesn't listen. I don't want to be the obnoxious one. I don't want to be the whiny emo kid. I want someone to be genuinely glad to see me.

I don't want to be crazy.

All of this makes me feel like I've been zapped back to eighth grade, and just that feeling makes me want to scream until my voice gives out. Tomorrow morning, I'm calling my mom and asking if she will pay for a psychologist, because I think letting this sit will just make things far, far worse.
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amadeupname: (stay awhile)
( Jul. 30th, 2006 01:11 pm)
Every time I start to like someone as more than a friend, things go wrong for me. He's too far away and can't afford to come over, he's a nutcase, he doesn't like me -- I don't think I've ever had a relationship, or even a potential relationship, work to my advantage.

Which is why I'm trying desperately to squash these feelings and say nothing to him, or anyone else (at least nothing specific). It's bad enough that I've admitted it to myself. If I say it out loud -- if I say "I like ****" and tell him the truth, I will end up screwing myself over. So I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and try concentrate on other things, like that quilt I'm supposed to be working on, or the story I'm trying to rewrite.

Also, after getting up at seven for the past week, I now can't stay up past 12:30, and I keep waking up at 8:00. And I'm tired enough to want to fall asleep in this chair right now. Fuck.
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amadeupname: (cold and white)
( Nov. 26th, 2005 03:30 pm)
disgruntledfemale01: So how am I shallow for liking Chris?
jaswi: Admit it, you only liked his body, he's one of those stupid guys that wastes all their time trying to get looks cause they got nothing upstairs
disgruntledfemale01: Yeah, he's cute, but that's not the only thing I like about guys.
disgruntledfemale01: What I really go for is kindness -- treat me well and I'll get weak-kneed, since I dont' get that a lot.
jaswi: I don't know any other way to treat girls
jaswi: which sucks, cause i got no luck with the ladies
jaswi: I think i might be stretching it if i said i had 5 gf's in highschool, and none lasted a month
disgruntledfemale01: *shrug* I get treated like shit, since I'm not pretty and not all that sociable either
disgruntledfemale01: So if a guy's really nice to me, I'm more than likely going to develop a crush on him
jaswi: sorry i went quiet, raid just got toasted
jaswi: I think your main thing is don't be so pushy with guys
jaswi: guys really do like hard to get
disgruntledfemale01: Well then I'm fucking screwed
jaswi: lol
disgruntledfemale01: because I'm not subtle enough to do that
jaswi: subtlety not your speciality eh?
disgruntledfemale01: fuck no
jaswi: you're what, 18?
disgruntledfemale01: yeah
jaswi: im not gonna say that some guys dont like a direct woman..
jaswi: guess it just seems really really really odd for me
jaswi: cause I was so disgustingly ugly and worthless all through school
disgruntledfemale01: I never got the appeal of hard to get
disgruntledfemale01: Why torture yourself and the other person, and potentially send the wrong signals?
jaswi: i dunno, its always the girls doing it, you tell me lol
disgruntledfemale01: I just don't get it. I guess it's the whole attraction to what you can't have thing, but to me it's just stupid
jaswi: probably something along those lines, or the whole its not as sweet if you dont have to work for it thing
disgruntledfemale01: Just sounds really frustrating to me.
disgruntledfemale01: plus drawing things out like that just makes me impatient and miserable

I seriously don't get it. What is so appealing about a girl (or guy for that matter) flirting with you one minute, then acting like you don't exist, or like you're lower than the mold on last week's balogna sandwich? To me, that seems like a person I wouldn't want to be around at all, if they're that indecisive or two-faced or just plain sociopathic. What's the attraction in being strung along, or in feigning distinterest (or interest, even, if that's your thing), when the slightest misstep means he either walks off in disgust because you're being "too obvious" and that ruins the 'game', or causes him to assume that you really aren't interested and he should just move on. That's the biggest form of psychological sadomasochistic torture I've ever seen; why put yourself and the person you're interested in through that? What does it prove? That you can withstand someone's mind games, and therefore you're clear to go out with them?

I can't do that kind of thing. Maybe it's because I don't know how, or because it wouldn't work even if I did. That kind of thing works with pretty girls, interesting girls, girls that have a large enough amount of guys who are interested in them that they can spare one or two if they get frustrated. It doesn't work with girls like me, who aren't ravishingly pretty or altogether captivating; if I'm subtle, guys ignore me. Being direct is the only way I'll be able to tell if I should just give up or keep trying, because that's the only way I'm guaranteed a reaction. Why the hell should I force myself to be even more uncomfortable around guys than I already am?

Guys, why is this so fucking appealing? Whatever happened to "Hi, you seem interesting and I'd like to get to know you, would you like to go out for coffee/a cigarette/bowling/a romp in the hay sometime?"
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I think I'm pretty fucking justified in my anger. Practically fucking whining "Stop hugging me, there are new people today!" which you know I know translates to "That girl's really cute, and I don't want her to think that because you're hugging me you're my girlfriend" is not a good way to get me to stop without getting upset. I mean, if she's that cute, she's probably too stupid to notice that I hug everyone, right?

I certainly hope that I don't act like you're beholden to me, Will. Forgive me for thinking that because you're my friend, you would, you know, want to hang out with me. Or, hell, I'm sorry for even thinking you were my friend, because obviously that was stepping over the line too, huh?

Lyrics post. Wewt. )
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amadeupname: (thunderstorm)
( Oct. 24th, 2005 01:05 am)
All I ever really, really wanted was someone to love me, without having to conform to impossibly high standards, or change who I was; someone to spend time with, who made me feel comfortable. Hell, I don't even want sex all that much, just someone to kiss and hold hands with once in a while. And when I find that person... I get shot down. I'm "just a friend", and that's the best scenario, mind you. Maybe it's karma for refusing the few boys who actually showed interest in me. Maybe whatever deity or force of nature that exists has a fucked up sense of humor, and I'm the punch line to every joke. All I know is I'm apparently not of interest to anybody; there's always someone better, someone prettier, funnier, cuter, smarter, more petite. Always someone more suited to whomever I express an interest in.

There's no such thing as a soulmate. Out of the teeming masses, it's impossible to find "the one"; it's all a matter of luck.

I'm holding on
Waiting for your call
It's simple but I can't explain this
I'm sinking down
I feel like I could die
I'm falling off, I don't know why

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day, another perfect day
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day, another perfect day

So I might try
To leave it all behind
I know tomorrow's not so bright now
I say goodbye
Cuz nothing good can last
You wear and fade; you're nowhere fast
 
But today
I don't know how
To keep it all inside
But I guess I'll let it slide

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day, another perfect day
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day, another perfect day

And today
I don't know why
I thought that it was real
But I guess it's no big deal

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day, another perfect day
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day, another perfect day.
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But first, an overview of the week.

Wednesday Night

I did go to the Arts and Crafts activity, but it took a while to get there. It started at 10, and we'd already been warned that it wasn't a good idea for girls to walk around alone after dark -- not that I wanted to. My roommate was gone, and her cellphone was too, so I couldn't call Andy and ask him to walk me. I ran down to the first open door I say and asked the girl inside if I could use her phone; she said her friend was picking her up in half an hour and that she could give me a ride to the Valleys. By the time the friend was there and we were halfway to where I needed to be dropped off, I realized something -- my van was on campus. I could have easily driven there and back.

Anyway, I got to the room where they were doing the arts and crafts -- decorating picture frames and making bracelets -- and eventually this guy showed up (I think he was the only boy there all night!) who brought his own stuff to work on, and spent the evening making chainmail. Awesomeness, I think, and I strike up a conversation with him. (Well, I think I did. One of us started talking to the other, I just don't remember who.) Will (Mr. Chainmail), it turns out, is an anime fan (woot!), and has been to Japan (super!woot! And hey, that rhymed!), and is rather easy for me to get along with. Huzzah, new friend, exchange of AIM names and so forth. And then I got to ride home in a golf cart. Splee.

Thursday

Another speaker, more interest sessions (Be Smart, Be Safe: 10 Tips for Safer, Smarter Sex and the one on the International Studies programs -- junior year, I might head to Japan). After the interest sessions I headed over to the amphitheater thing by the Dalton Center, where Nathan and Andy "impressed" us with a scene from MacBeth (I joined in too. I was Witch #3, and a worse one I doubt I've ever seen), and Nathan's sophomore friends showed up and did a very funny skit and told some jokes, and invited us to come to the Whimsicality Club next Friday. (I'll have to go to the next meeting, as I'll be in Jackson then.) And then we went to Draper (the boys-only hall) to see their rooms, because they have kickass rooms, and then they snuck into dinner with us.

Later I went to the International Dance Party/Laser Tag with Andy, Krystel, Nathan, and Nate (Nathan's the one who looks like Tom Green with glasses, Nate's the blond with no glasses. Both are taller than I am. Hell, EVERY guy is taller than I am!). We stayed long enough for one game of laser tag, and then Andy ditched us as we were leaving for one more game. So Nate and Krystel walked me home, since I didn't have my Bronco ID on me and couldn't very well get into Krystel's hall that late at night to play air hockey without ID. And I was pretty happy, since it was 11 and I figured I'd be able to get some sleep and all.

Noooooo. I walk into my dorm room and Mary and five of her friends are watching really bad lesbian porn and making fun of it. And this stuff was set to bad samba music, too. It wasn't all lesbian porn, the next couple segments were straight, but that was just as bad. Apparently they'd been so bored they went downstairs and asked some guy for porn, and he practically gave it to them. I didn't end up in bed until 1:30 or 2:00 in the morning, and we had to get up at 7:00.

Friday

Lost my right contact down the sink. The day's activity was something called "Click Downtown", where we split off into our small groups and walked around downtown K-zoo taking photographs for a scavenger hunt of sorts. Not bad, but it was hot and I got really tired. I skipped the speaker for that day, I think, and spent the afternoon online, but I went ice skating later that night with Andy and that was pretty fun. I didn't even fall down once. I did, however, have to grab onto someone to keep from falling down (he suggested it!), and I think a few times I almost hit people in the face, my arms were pinwheeling around so much. Mary had a friend stay the night, but I fell asleep before either of them went to bed so I can't complain.

Yesterday (Saturday)

Went to the closing ceremony for Fall Welcome Week and got a free T-shirt. Later I asked Will if he wanted to go to Walmart with Andy and Mary and me, and he said yes, and he came over around three to watch anime (I think I got him hooked on Brigadoon. That would be awesome, I think). Mary ended up not going to Walmart, and Andy called and said that Krystel and Nate wanted to go too. So we all went down to dinner together, then piled into my van, where I got lost getting to a gas station, then went to Fifth Third so Andy could get money, and then we got to Walmart, and Will was sort of my pack mule for a little while until we got a cart. (It was just a fan. And I was carrying a pillow, a pencil case, a toothbrush case, a soap dish, and some other stuff.) We got everything we needed, and some things we didn't (like 500 bendy straws!), and after finally getting out of Walmart we went to the corner of Stadium and Howard, where there's a 7-11 and a video store and a party store. I got a membership at the video store, and Will and I spent about half an hour browsing the anime, and then we all went home and went back to Andy's room to watch not-bad porn. Then I took Will home, and I still have to give him back his straws because they got lost in my van.

And, yes, I flirted with Will. I don't think I did too badly... but I'm really bad at this. I don't know.

And today... Today has been one of those days that ends up being a day for crying your eyes out for no reason whatsoever. Nate ended up buying me some McDonald's, and I think I worried him and Krystel. Crying in the line for McDonald's does that, I guess. I don't really want to talk any more about why I cried, because someone might read it and I don't want them to know, but Shadow and Brad and Anga have been great helping me out. Thanks, guys, and I'm sorry for being whiny and weepy and hard to deal with.

I have to go now, because I'm meeting with Andy and then he and I and Krystal and Nate are going to go see The Brothers Grimm.
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