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First off -- diary confusion. Do I stop writing in my book-diary, and just write ONLY in my LJ? Do I write in both as I see fit? Or do I write only in my book-diary, and write in entries when I go to LJ? Grarg. Pain in the brain.
Then there's the spiritual side, crawling it's way out of my stomach where I shoved it for the time being (in November). If I stay in the house all the time, never "feed my soul", meditate, do ritual, or meet with Danny, Melodi, and Elfsong to study, then is this the right path? I think I'm just being lazy, really, because I really can feel that this is MY path. I just don't like putting effort into anything. I need to call Elf and set up a time and place for my parents to meet her so that they don't feel incomfortable when I go and meet with them all. And then I have to meditate, which I've had trouble with a lot, and such... I'm not patient. So it's hard to sit still for very long. But if I give up, then I'm just repeating all the stupid shit I did before.
And then, Russell. Amaterasu, Bast, and Anubis, please save me before I drive myself into another hole.
Here are the facts:
Russell is my friend. Russell knows that I have a crush on him. We like to flirt with each other, tease each other, turn each other on, stuff like that.
I like him. REALLY like him. Daydream-about-us-going-out-and-all-that-good-stuff like him. And I know that, just like all the other guys I've liked, the best reaction I can hope for from him is the "You're a really good friend but I just don't feel that way about you" line. And I can handle that. I've had to. It would be worse if I expected that he likes me the way I like him. I don't want to go through all that again.
Maybe I should just lower my standards. I'm a romantic, naive little girl. I want someone to kiss me when they mean it, to love me for who I am and not what I look like, to just cuddle for a while, someone to hold me while I'm sleeping. I expect too much, though. I'm surrounded by horndogs, and I'm not a looker in any sense of the word. It's kind of hard to have someone love you the way you want to be loved when you don't love yourself.
Then there's the spiritual side, crawling it's way out of my stomach where I shoved it for the time being (in November). If I stay in the house all the time, never "feed my soul", meditate, do ritual, or meet with Danny, Melodi, and Elfsong to study, then is this the right path? I think I'm just being lazy, really, because I really can feel that this is MY path. I just don't like putting effort into anything. I need to call Elf and set up a time and place for my parents to meet her so that they don't feel incomfortable when I go and meet with them all. And then I have to meditate, which I've had trouble with a lot, and such... I'm not patient. So it's hard to sit still for very long. But if I give up, then I'm just repeating all the stupid shit I did before.
And then, Russell. Amaterasu, Bast, and Anubis, please save me before I drive myself into another hole.
Here are the facts:
Russell is my friend. Russell knows that I have a crush on him. We like to flirt with each other, tease each other, turn each other on, stuff like that.
I like him. REALLY like him. Daydream-about-us-going-out-and-all-that-good-stuff like him. And I know that, just like all the other guys I've liked, the best reaction I can hope for from him is the "You're a really good friend but I just don't feel that way about you" line. And I can handle that. I've had to. It would be worse if I expected that he likes me the way I like him. I don't want to go through all that again.
Maybe I should just lower my standards. I'm a romantic, naive little girl. I want someone to kiss me when they mean it, to love me for who I am and not what I look like, to just cuddle for a while, someone to hold me while I'm sleeping. I expect too much, though. I'm surrounded by horndogs, and I'm not a looker in any sense of the word. It's kind of hard to have someone love you the way you want to be loved when you don't love yourself.
