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Most of you who know me in real life, and quite a few who've only interacted with me online, have probably noticed that I'm a tad ... well, I guess you could call it paranoid. The term is bandied about so much that it seems to lose a lot of its meaning, but I suppose mild paranoia probably applies here.
I am very obviously afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of the dark (and on a related note, zombies). I'm afraid of being alone in large, empty buildings, especially at night. I'm afraid to go outside at night by myself and walk around. Every time I have to walk back to my dorm alone in the middle of the night, I keep looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one is following me.
I'm afraid to go out into the world. It's bad enough when I go to class, or to a restaurant or store that I'm familiar with. I feel like people are staring at me for being fat, or dressing like a frump or a slob, and that the slightest mistake will have people laughing at me, openly or otherwise, for being a socially inept monkey. When I go someplace new -- a coffeehouse, maybe, or the gaming shop downtown -- I'm petrified that someone will block my way and tell me that I'm too stupid to be there, that I'm not 'in' enough. I get slightly nauseous because I know I will do something stupid, and I fear that will be enough to have the whole place roaring with laughter.
I'm afraid the whole world is just playing one big joke on me after another. Deep down I'm so goddamn scared that college is an elaborate prank designed to coax me out of my shell just long enough to bring the hammer down and shatter me completely.
I'm afraid of people.
I'm so damned afraid that everyone is going to hurt me. My early experiences with people who claimed to be my friends, or people I mistakenly thought were my friends, has been that people pretend to like me because they want something from me, because they want to play pranks on me, or because they just don't know how to tell me to go away. I'd like to think that this isn't the case now -- I love my friends, every single one of them -- but somewhere I can't bring myself to believe that someone might actually like me for me. I'm convinced that I'm so downright ugly and repulsive, so obnoxious and irritating that no one could ever possibly want to spend time with me unless they thought they were getting something out of it. My own boyfriend can't convince me that I could ever be pretty, that I'm worth something, that he actually wants to spend what little time he can with me.
And it all seems so selfish to me, because all I really want when I spend time with people is for someone to pay attention to me. Just one person, that's all. When I'm with a group of two or more friends, I seem to fade into the background -- and the more people that are present, the more likely it is that this is going to happen. If I can work up the courage to say something, I'm usually either ignored outright, or I'm given the briefest acknowledgment, which seems like an attempt to get me to shut up so the adults can have their conversation. David asked me why I brought my book to Logan's house, and I just shrugged it off because I couldn't bring myself to explain yet again that I just can't handle crowds.
With only one friend, it would seem easier to get my attention fix, but that's not necessarily true. I know people zone out during conversations -- I do it myself, I'll admit -- but sometimes it seems like I'm just talking to fill up the silence. I'll prattle on to an unattentive listener, who is obviously staring out the window at some hottie across the street, or scribbling something down, or thinking of their boyfriend or girlfriend. If they were paying attention they would notice how my voice changes pitch, how my speaking becomes faster, more frantic, until I trail off, chuckle nervously, and prod at them (and whether this is to see if they're actually listening, or to see if they're even real, I'm not sure of anymore). Once or twice I've been in one of these "conversations", and the other person will suddenly start talking to the person next to them, or call out to someone else. Apparently it's too difficult for anyone to politely remove themselves from a conversation these days. I have to be made to feel like a fool instead.
I'm afraid of myself.
It's no secret that I don't like myself too much. I'm more than one hundred pounds overweight, homely, and I dress like a slob to boot. I'm lazy, whiny, and obnoxious. I have no self-esteem, and almost no sense of social boundaries. I'm needy, greedy, self-absorbed, perverse, ignorant, indecisive, stubborn, violent, and hateful. On a good day I'm able to laugh at myself and make self-deprecating jokes, and thankfully those good days come far more often than they used to. But on those bad days... I've gone batshit once or twice -- I hit Andy over a fucking slice of pizza -- and more often than I'd like, I've started crying over stuff that most other people wouldn't think twice about. I don't see why anyone would like me in the least, or want to spend their time with me, or their money on me. I can't imagine someone wanting to be with me if they didn't want sex. There's nothing about me that seems appealing in the slightest.
I don't want to be the girl sitting in the corner because she can't approach a stranger. I don't want to be the crazy old cat lady. I don't want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hoping that if I bring hubby his beer and don't interrupt his football game, he'll let me go out with my friends instead of giving me another set of bruises. And I especially don't want to be the one person in a group of friends that everyone simultaneously despises, but either no one is able to tell them to go the fuck away, or that person doesn't listen. I don't want to be the obnoxious one. I don't want to be the whiny emo kid. I want someone to be genuinely glad to see me.
I don't want to be crazy.
All of this makes me feel like I've been zapped back to eighth grade, and just that feeling makes me want to scream until my voice gives out. Tomorrow morning, I'm calling my mom and asking if she will pay for a psychologist, because I think letting this sit will just make things far, far worse.
I am very obviously afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of the dark (and on a related note, zombies). I'm afraid of being alone in large, empty buildings, especially at night. I'm afraid to go outside at night by myself and walk around. Every time I have to walk back to my dorm alone in the middle of the night, I keep looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one is following me.
I'm afraid to go out into the world. It's bad enough when I go to class, or to a restaurant or store that I'm familiar with. I feel like people are staring at me for being fat, or dressing like a frump or a slob, and that the slightest mistake will have people laughing at me, openly or otherwise, for being a socially inept monkey. When I go someplace new -- a coffeehouse, maybe, or the gaming shop downtown -- I'm petrified that someone will block my way and tell me that I'm too stupid to be there, that I'm not 'in' enough. I get slightly nauseous because I know I will do something stupid, and I fear that will be enough to have the whole place roaring with laughter.
I'm afraid the whole world is just playing one big joke on me after another. Deep down I'm so goddamn scared that college is an elaborate prank designed to coax me out of my shell just long enough to bring the hammer down and shatter me completely.
I'm afraid of people.
I'm so damned afraid that everyone is going to hurt me. My early experiences with people who claimed to be my friends, or people I mistakenly thought were my friends, has been that people pretend to like me because they want something from me, because they want to play pranks on me, or because they just don't know how to tell me to go away. I'd like to think that this isn't the case now -- I love my friends, every single one of them -- but somewhere I can't bring myself to believe that someone might actually like me for me. I'm convinced that I'm so downright ugly and repulsive, so obnoxious and irritating that no one could ever possibly want to spend time with me unless they thought they were getting something out of it. My own boyfriend can't convince me that I could ever be pretty, that I'm worth something, that he actually wants to spend what little time he can with me.
And it all seems so selfish to me, because all I really want when I spend time with people is for someone to pay attention to me. Just one person, that's all. When I'm with a group of two or more friends, I seem to fade into the background -- and the more people that are present, the more likely it is that this is going to happen. If I can work up the courage to say something, I'm usually either ignored outright, or I'm given the briefest acknowledgment, which seems like an attempt to get me to shut up so the adults can have their conversation. David asked me why I brought my book to Logan's house, and I just shrugged it off because I couldn't bring myself to explain yet again that I just can't handle crowds.
With only one friend, it would seem easier to get my attention fix, but that's not necessarily true. I know people zone out during conversations -- I do it myself, I'll admit -- but sometimes it seems like I'm just talking to fill up the silence. I'll prattle on to an unattentive listener, who is obviously staring out the window at some hottie across the street, or scribbling something down, or thinking of their boyfriend or girlfriend. If they were paying attention they would notice how my voice changes pitch, how my speaking becomes faster, more frantic, until I trail off, chuckle nervously, and prod at them (and whether this is to see if they're actually listening, or to see if they're even real, I'm not sure of anymore). Once or twice I've been in one of these "conversations", and the other person will suddenly start talking to the person next to them, or call out to someone else. Apparently it's too difficult for anyone to politely remove themselves from a conversation these days. I have to be made to feel like a fool instead.
I'm afraid of myself.
It's no secret that I don't like myself too much. I'm more than one hundred pounds overweight, homely, and I dress like a slob to boot. I'm lazy, whiny, and obnoxious. I have no self-esteem, and almost no sense of social boundaries. I'm needy, greedy, self-absorbed, perverse, ignorant, indecisive, stubborn, violent, and hateful. On a good day I'm able to laugh at myself and make self-deprecating jokes, and thankfully those good days come far more often than they used to. But on those bad days... I've gone batshit once or twice -- I hit Andy over a fucking slice of pizza -- and more often than I'd like, I've started crying over stuff that most other people wouldn't think twice about. I don't see why anyone would like me in the least, or want to spend their time with me, or their money on me. I can't imagine someone wanting to be with me if they didn't want sex. There's nothing about me that seems appealing in the slightest.
I don't want to be the girl sitting in the corner because she can't approach a stranger. I don't want to be the crazy old cat lady. I don't want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hoping that if I bring hubby his beer and don't interrupt his football game, he'll let me go out with my friends instead of giving me another set of bruises. And I especially don't want to be the one person in a group of friends that everyone simultaneously despises, but either no one is able to tell them to go the fuck away, or that person doesn't listen. I don't want to be the obnoxious one. I don't want to be the whiny emo kid. I want someone to be genuinely glad to see me.
I don't want to be crazy.
All of this makes me feel like I've been zapped back to eighth grade, and just that feeling makes me want to scream until my voice gives out. Tomorrow morning, I'm calling my mom and asking if she will pay for a psychologist, because I think letting this sit will just make things far, far worse.
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From:
no subject
From:
*hugs!*
I was especially needy when talking to people. If they stopped talking to me, I'd have to just talk and talk and try to entertain them; I'm still that way, kind of.
I don't really have any advice to give, except recognizing the behaviors in yourself and making a concerted effort to change them. Talking to a psychologist would actually be a good idea.
From:
*hugs back!*
I really miss talking to my last psychologist. He was this old man who was a lot of fun to talk to and play cards with. He even took me out for sushi once (that was a lot of fun to explain to everyone XD). But since I've moved to WMU, he's now two hours away, and I have neither the money, the time, or the patience for a four-hour round-trip every other week. So now I get to see if there's someone else I can talk to in K-zoo. Blech.
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I'm afraid the whole world is just playing one big joke on me after another.
It's been said - and I can't say how true this is, but I tend to believe it - that all neuroses spring from childhood traumas. Paranoia, obsessive-compulsive behaviour, and other such 'disorders' usually come from a child's mind experiencing an overwhelming lack of control, of comfort, of safety and security, of the basic emotional necessities that all children should have. I'm not trying to psycho-analyze you, or say that you've had something terrible happen to you when you were young, but there's a chance that your paranoia and fear of people has a very clear and understandable (and therefore justified) source. That's not to say that it's 'okay' to keep living that way - if it's not working for you, then it's not okay. But I can say with certainty that you're not crazy, that it didn't come from nowhere, and that what you're experiencing as paranoia is probably more of a conflict between the way you see the world and the way you think you should see it.
I know a lot of the time when I feel paranoid (it's not as bad as what you've described, but I don't handle crowds well either) it's usually because I get a 'bad feeling' that I'm trying to suppress. I find that if I trust myself and react to that bad feeling, the paranoia and discomfort lessens. Maybe part of the problem is that you're avoiding or ignoring warning signs, or you just don't trust yourself to interpret those signs properly and you misread them. Maybe learning to trust yourself more will help alleviate some of the paranoia. And trusting yourself and your own observations, interpretations and ideas is a good way to build self-esteem.
I can't bring myself to believe that someone might actually like me for me.
Self-esteem, or lack thereof, is a totally personal thing. Everybody sees themselves differently, and it's up to each individual to feel better about herself. If you're waiting for other people (friends, family, boyfriend, etc.) to make you feel better about yourself, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You know how they say "You can't love anybody else if you don't love yourself"? It's true. And if you don't love yourself, you're not permitting anybody else to love you, which means you're isolating yourself from the very emotions you want so desperately.
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There are tons of self-help sites, books, magazine articles and other literature out there that can help give you some perspective on the whole thing. I suggest looking out for them. Sometimes just knowing that you're not crazy, that there are other people going through what you're going through and for similar reasons, can help you to realize how much you're capable of. Your fear of people may be a cleverly disguised coping mechanism that you needed to set up once upon a time, one that you became dependent upon for your emotional well-being (like, you know, against people who only befriended you in order to play pranks on you, or used you as the butt of their jokes, or whatever else) that you've simply grown too dependent on to let go of it. Just acknowledging it as what it is - a valuable measure for dealing with the emotional stress you were facing - can convince you that you don't need it anymore, and make it much easier to let go of.
Maybe the issue runs deeper than that. Some of the most common psychological issues people face are due to things they've altogether forgotten about. Child physical or sexual abuse or other damaging events can be wiped from a child's conscious mind so that, when they're adults, they have no idea of what happened to them and all they're left with is their coping mechanisms, which can be anything from dissociative disorder to OCD to emotional or physical numbness. Once again, I'm not trying to suggest anything like this happened to you. It's just an example of the way stuff that happens in your childhood can shape you for years to come. It could have been nothing more than your childhood friends playing tricks on you... but that's damaging enough. No matter how bad or not-bad any of it seems, it's probably worse than you're allowing yourself to realize. Those kids in your childhood made it difficult to trust those you considered your friends. That can make a person paranoid and miserable and unable to trust people later in life.
I don't want to be crazy.
Trust me. You're not crazy. If nothing else that I've said hits you, let this one hit you. You're not crazy for feeling how you feel. The fact that you think you might be crazy means you're not - crazy people don't know how crazy they are. There's a reason you feel this way, and once you find out exactly what the reason is and make peace with it (like, realize how young those kids in your past were, and how horrible kids that age can be, and that your friends were probably never like those people and never will be), it should become easier to deal with it.
You may seem to be different from other people. Maybe others make and keep friends better than you do, or maybe others deal with crowds better. There's nothing wrong with being on the solitary side of things. You're not crazy for having a bad reaction to large groups of people. It's more likely that you're suppressing a fear of some sort, and your instincts (especially the ones you don't trust) are telling you that there's something to be afraid of, something to be cautious about, but you're subconsciously trying so hard not to listen that you end up feeling crazy over it.
So yeah. There's my two cents. My suggestion: look for self-help stuff. Look for others who have to deal with the same stuff you do. Look into your past to see where your fears and anxieties are coming from. And try to trust yourself. You're the only one who can make this better, and who can ultimately learn to love yourself. Once you know how to do that, other people will definitely follow suit. I can guarantee it.
From:
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*hugs*
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From:
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I'm sorry that I've been a somewhat crummy excuse for a friend. If it makes you feel any better, it's not just you. I am notoriously wretched at keeping in touch. I honestly don't know the whys, hows, and wherefores of this glaring fault of mine but I know I hate it. :P At any rate, don't be afraid to contact me, if you need to. I'm not on IM so much anymore because I keep getting stalked by crazy people who want to cybersex me up for some stupid reason (probably the fact that they've never SEEN my unattractive ass in person lol). But I'm always willing to GET on it, and practice selective IM hearing for a while. ^_^ Or phones work, or emails (you've got my addy, right?) or even LJ. I'll make a super-secret friends group that includes just you, and we'll use it for suuuuper seeeeecret messages omg!
And, I think the psych idea is actually really a good one. I don't know if you have ever seen one before, but I tell you, mine has helped me so much over the years, I'm very grateful to her. I'd never have learned to have the pathetic level of self-esteem that I DO have if it wasn't for her. But dammit, I'm improving in that area all the time. Sometimes I even catch myself looking in the mirror and thinking I'm cute (which is omgholyfuckin'shit a big deal). If it worked for me, I know it can work for you too, because you're intelligent and, sometimes a fault but often a blessing, you're stubborn! That will work in your favor if you let it. Never give up on YOU because quite frankly, you're worth it.
Even when you feel like you absolutely hate yourself, don't forget that fact, keep it alive in some deep-down part of you always, even the times you don't think you believe it at all. YOU'RE WORTH IT.
I'm sorry... I wish I had something better to offer you than that. It's simple, it sounds a bit silly, but it's helped me enough that I felt it was something I should share with you, because no matter how dopey it sounds, it's really true.
I don't know if we'll ever have an uber-close connection or not, to be honest. Not through some fault of yours, but because of my own issues. Every time someone gets close, I want to flee. It's all I can do not to let it ruin my relationship with my current beau, and if I am not vigilant, or if (oh heavens please no) I'm not able to somehow, someday overcome it, I will chase him away with my nonsense. So if you should feel neglected by me, or be puzzled that I'm warm to you when you happen to be around, but don't keep up with you so well and have a tendency not to be able to do things very often, please don't feel it's some secret grudge or that I dislike you or feel it's anything wrong with you. You're not the only one with issues. ;) I just wanted to make sure you knew that... you can feel like I'm kind of a jerk if it makes you feel better (I'd probably deserve that), but please, please, oh please do not beat YOURSELF up about that.
Anyway, I hope what small bits of myself that I AM willing/able to give have been good for you. Hopefully, I was able to make you happy at some point, even if only for a wee bit. I feel like I've not got much to give to the world right now, I'm still really recovering from a lot of stuff and trying to figure things out and "find myself" I guess you could put it... but anyway, what little I have to give, I'm more than happy to. And I hope that you'll feel okay taking that little bit. And I hope... I hope that even if it's not as much as you need right now, it's good to you.