I'm so tired of sleeping alone...

I am. I want to be able to sleep next to someone and, at least once, feel their arms around me while I'm drifting off to sleep. Of course, I highly doubt that they'd be getting a restful night's sleep. I toss and turn and I've been told I snore.

Yeah, I want a boyfriend or girlfriend. I know it's not crucial. It would just be nice, you know? Though, if I got a girlfriend, I don't think I could let my dad know. Mom wouldn't be too upset, if at all. She might not even be surprised, given all the stuff my friends and I do and say in front of her.

ARG.

Shit. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Boys suck. Life sucks. I hate hate hate hate HATE FUCKING HATE this. And now, even though I didn't want to, I really, really, REALLY hate her. I don't even know her. I flipped through her LJ and posted something neutral just to be nice and show that I sort of didn't mind and now I have to take it back because I fucking DO! And why oh fucking WHY did he have to keep bringing it up and then mention Nick and how I kept talking about him and how that kept him from saying anything? WHY THE FUCKING HELL DOES ALL THIS KIND OF SHIT HAPPEN TO ME?!

Da de da...

I don't think I'm mad anymore. Now I'm just really, really sad and tired. I want to be numb. Feelings are bad, because all they do is confuse me and make me even more depressed.

Or maybe I should just be less complacent. I mean, I was perfectly happy just talking with Brad and stuff, and figured that I'd get around to the "I-like-you-do-you-like-me-please-please-please-don't-hurt-me" stuff sooner or later. Until Meagan came around, I was perfectly fine. And I might have gotten a little upset when I found out, but after that I was okay as long as I didn't think about it too much. I should have told Brad to shut up when he kept apologizing so much. I mean, it made me feel like a two year old who can't figure out that her mother's dead, and her dad keeps asking her if she's okay because he thinks she can't handle it. Still does.

Yeah, I'm jealous. I'd be surprised if I wasn't. But I'm mad at myself for being jealous enough to harbor harsh feelings toward Meagan -- I've never even talked to her. How unfair is that? I know I'd be upset if it were the other way around (not that that's ever going to happen).

You know, I know I don't NEED a boyfriend or girlfriend. But I'm so SICK of being alone and feeling like there's no one who could actually love me in a romantic way. I'm this close to just sleeping with the first person who expresses interest just so I can feel like at least one person is attracted to me, if only physically. It sounds sick, me willing to spread my legs for a little therapy. "I'll do anything you want if you make me believe you love me." Yeah, that little line's been running through my head for a bit. I probably won't do it, since I'm scared to death of actually getting sexual with someone. But... yeah. You guys don't want to hear my whining. (Yeah, Jen, I'm talking to you.)

People: if you want to know how someone feels, ask. Don't worry about being too scared to ask or offending them. If you want to know who they have feelings for, you have to ask. PLEASE. And if you don't, don't bring it up. Ever. Unless you really want to make them doubt themselves, hate themselves, and generally tear them apart. It's not fun to stay up all night crying and wondering what might have happened if you'd just been a little more aggressive (on both sides of the spectrum, actually).

How long how long will I slide
Separate my side I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slit my throat
It's all I ever

I heard your voice through a photograph
I thought it up it brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I've got to take it on the otherside

Centuries are what it meant to me
A cemetery where I marry the sea
Stranger things could never change my mind
I've got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on

How long how long will I slide
Separate my side I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slit my throat
It's all I ever

Pour my life into a paper cup
The ashtray's full and I'm spillin' my guts
She wants to know am I still a slut
I've got to take it on the otherside

Scarlet starlet and she's in my bed
A candidate for my soul mate bled
Push the trigger and pull the thread
I've got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on

How long how long will I slide
Separate my side I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slit my throat
It's all I ever

Turn me on take me for a hard ride
Burn me out leave me on the otherside
I yell and tell it that
It's not my friend
I tear it down I tear it down
And then it's born again

How long I don't believe it's bad
Slit my throat
It's all I ever
~Otherside, Red Hot Chili Peppers

i let myself fall into a lie
i let my walls come down
i let myself smile and feel alive
i let my walls come down
no matter how i try i don't know why
you push so far away
you wrapped your hands tight around my heart
and squeezed it full of pain

with this knife i'll cut out the part of me
the part that cares for you
with this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
the heart that cares for you

i can't believe the way you took me down
i never saw the pain
coming in a million broken miles
like poison in my veins

with this knife i'll cut out the part of me
the part that cares for you
with this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
the heart that cares for you

the hate and the fear
the nightmares that wake me up
in the tears
the nightmares and (the hate)...
~With This Knife, Smile Empty Soul


i waited for you
i died inside my own head
and i'd die again for you

i'm faded and tired
completely uninspired
and i'd die again for you

so kill me with the love that you won't give to me
and pack the wound with salt i want to feel it bleed

i'm searching for reasons
to keep away the demons
and i'd die again for you
i wish you were near me
could feel it when you hear me say
i'd die again for you

so kill me with the love that you won't give to me
and pack the wound with salt i want to feel it bleed
you wanted me to crawl so now i'm on my knees

why's it always have to be me
that's always left out to burn and
i'll never learn
~For You, Smile Empty Soul