Asshole.

My dad can seriously kiss my ass. He just got my report card. I already knew that I had sucky grades for the last marking periods. Well, he proceeded to "comfort" me by telling me that I didn't really need those subjects unless I was going into a lucrative field and that I just wasn't as smart as he thought I was.

Bull fucking shit. I am smart. I'm just a lazy-ass bitch who reads instead of doing her work. I might not get straight A's in Chemistry or Geometry if I just did the work, but it has nothing to do with intelligence.

I've already gotten into a fight with him a few months back, with me calling him an asshole and him saying "In my day we respected our elders." Well, I'm not getting any respect back -- show me where respect means a condescending tone and an insult to your face. He can go fuck himself. Maybe I'll actually do my work and show him where to stuff that "comforting" attitude. Jackhole.

On another note, now my hair is blonde. Uneven, but blonde. I can't wait until tomorrow when I can put the red dye in.

Still an asshole, but now a drunken one.

Well, in the course of three hours, I have yelled at my dad for repeating the same fucking shit over and over and over, made him cry (and "explain" that he wasn't always happy but he never wanted to take his moods out on me), and then promised him, albeit not quite truthfully, that I would be more patient with him. And then an hour later he comes into my room, DRUNK because I smelled it on his breath at least five times, and proceeds to STILL REPEAT HIMSELF. And then, when I can't get a hold of anyone I want to talk to, he lets me borrow the car... for an hour. One mere hour. In which I went to the mall, was stared at, wasted money on a large Coke and a pretzel that I only consumed half of each, scribbled something into my diary, and generally felt like shit. And now he's asleep, snoring, and I really just want to go in and smother him.

And I can't stop thinking of Russell. Why the fuck can't I? I don't think it's because I went so far with him, although I am kind of surprised he let me. (Then again, he's a guy, and very few guys are going to say no to a free, voluntary blowjob.) But it doesn't garauntee anything. And I can't fathom him -- or any other person, let alone guy -- liking me that way. Shit, what's it take to like myself? Or get over the "loneliness" factor?

If you could step into my head
Tell me would you still know me?
And if you woke up in my bed
Tell me then would you hold me?

Or would you simply let it lie
Leaving me to wonder why
I can't get you out of this head that I call mine
And I will say

Woah woah I can't let you go
My little girl
Because you're holding up my world
So I need you
Your imitation of my walk
And the perfect way you talk
It's just a couple of the million things that I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you

And if I jumped off the Brookling Bridge
Tell me would you still follow me
And if I made you mad today
Tell me would you love me tomorrow please?
Or would you say that you don't care
And then leave me standing here
Like a fool
Who is drowning in despair and screaming

Woah woah I can't let you go
My little girl
Because you're holding up my world
So I need you
Your imitation of my walk
And the perfect way you talk
It's just a couple of the million things that I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you

I'm on my own
I'm on my own
I'm on my own

Woah woah I can't let you go
My little girl
Because you're holding up my world
So I need you
Your imitation of my walk
And the perfect way you talk
It's just a couple of the million things that I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you

3 Doors Down ~ So I Need You

::whimper::

I can't even please the guy I like without regretting it. I should just crawl under a rock and die, and then I don't have to bug anybody again.