In which Sarah babbles aimlessly about her life at present and wonders just how true her fears are.

[amadeupname]

I need money, damnit. I have two parking tickets and I need to get groceries, and I only have about $90 total. That includes what's in the bank. I'm applying for jobs, but so far I haven't heard anything. I heard that EB Games is hiring, so maybe I'll try there. A game store would be nice to work at.

I want to watch scary movies, but I don't want to watch them by myself, I don't own any scary movies aside from Dawn of the Dead, and I don't want to bother anybody by asking them to come watch with me. I don't want to call a certain person because I don't want him to think I'm stalking him, since I just saw him earlier this weekend, but that would be the perfect way to try and sneak in a hug. Man, I'm a tool. But I do want to watch scary movies. Maybe I'll arrange something with a friend. I don't know.

I want to be in Haunted Hall next year. I'll have to remember to sign up for that, and also remember to bring Rob to Sibs Weekend next year as well. (I'll just have to make sure he doesn't hit anyone in the crotch.)

I'm having trouble writing this personal statement and I don't know why, but I'm going to try to get it done and mailed by Wednesday.

Mom said she would call around and see which psychologists in the area take our insurance, but she keeps forgetting, and I'm starting to think that she's just not calling because she wants to frustrate me into calling myself. But she wouldn't be making the appointment, I would. I know I need to get over my anxiety over speaking on the phone, but the less I have to worry about, the better. So hopefully she'll make the calls tomorrow, and then I can see about making an appointment. I need to talk to somebody and hopefully get some advice. I'm going from perfectly fine and maybe even a little more confident than before, to periods of feeling absolutely hopeless and unloved. And I know that my friends care, but sometimes it feels like that's not the case. I'm the one who asks to do stuff, I'm the one who calls on the phone or sends an IM, and every time I do so I'm afraid that I'm being a bother and the friend I'm talking to is deciding that they never want to see or speak to me again. I'm the one who makes all the effort. Is it really too much to expect someone else to pick up the phone or suggest that we hang out? So far, the only person who usually makes this kind of effort is Andy N., and even that's not too often. Or am I just obliviously annoying and not worth the effort?

Comments

[pikabot]

AHHHHH PERFECT BLUE USERPIC

That movie was FUCKED UP

[hidden-now5.livejournal.com]

No, you're just the one brave enough to ask the willing to do something.

[thesaneminority.livejournal.com]

It's not that I want to hang out all the time. I just want someone to pick up the goddamn phone and call me once in a while, instead of only seeing me at club or around campus. If I stopped going to club, no one would care. No one would go out of their way to ask where I went. If I came back, I'd get a lot of "We missed you!"s and "Where have you been?"s, but no one would actually care.

Nobody pays attention to me, but they wonder why I get so quiet and moody, and they think I'm overreacting when I start crying or freaking out because I have things going on that are piling up on top of themselves. Nobody thinks about anything but themselves. Nobody invites me to anything, and then they wonder why I don't go to any events or hang out with them more. If no one calls me, then why should I think that they want to hear from me? Why should I think that I mean anything to them? Why should I bother pretending I have friends when no one will make time for me?

[varons-typist.livejournal.com]

Make time for yourself, for you only. Friendship is a lot like enjoying cake. This is a strange metaphor, but bear with me for a tic. See, let's say you've baked a cake. It's lop-sided and the frosting is a strange color and there's leftover candle wax everywhere. If you offer it to your friends, they'll most likely eat a piece because nobody hates free cake. Nobody hates hanging out or having fun with friends, especially when the offer is given to them.

But. They don't call you up asking for more cake (is this making sense?). That upsets you, because, the cake tasted fine to you and nobody complained. But, the more and more you *don't* hear from them, the more you think your cake was bad. Maybe it secretly gave someone diarrhea. So, you dress up your cake and try to make it look like one of those store-brand ones. You fix the bumps and rewrite the recipe and through all of this hard work, nobody notices. Nobody offers you some of *their* cake. You can either frustrate yourself into becoming an expert baker, or, you can eat the cake by yourself.

Meanwhile, maybe somebody had a natsy breakup. Maybe they need that triple chocolate layer baked good that you offered them. But, hurt as you are by their previous silence, you offer none. Eventually, they'll miss that cake and start calling around. That's fine, you take a book and your cake and sit alone in a park and smile as if that cake were the best damn thing around, and now they're missing out on it because of negligent behavior.

See, in order for people to crave your company, you must treat *yourself* as if you are the best cake in the world. And you're not sharing, until someone shares theirs. I guess this all boils down to what any head doctor can tell you: love thyself. If you have criticisms about yourself, fix them to the best of your ability (in a healthy manner, preferably. Nobody can befriend you if you're dead). But always love yourself. Nobody will want a piece of your cake if you keep telling them that it's horrible.

[soulfire003.livejournal.com]

That sounded a lot better than I probably could've worded it, but I sympathize. I really do. I've been so confused with myself lately I can't make heads nor tails of my own issues sometimes.

Want to start a rant fest? God knows I've asked you to listen before, but I'll do more listening this time than ranting. Maybe we can nitpick each other until we figure out what to do about us. ^^;